Grae's blog
Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 3:04 am
On Motivation and Success. AKA: how I learned to jump though hoops
To everyone who has struggled with feeling sad, with finding motivation, with wondering what the point is, and with the fear of letting yourself down:
================================================================
I'm pretty excited right now.
Winding up at Nowhere State University was, to be perfectly candid, a mistake. When I missed the application deadline to my choice college, some might have said I was unfortunate. When I missed the deadline to accept the University of Washington's offer of admission, some might have said it was a stroke of bad luck. Put into the context of my life in 2001, however, it was undeniably a result of my own immaturity, and entirely symptomatic of the person I was in high school. I would wake up, live through the day, go to sleep at night, then do it all again the next day, and then feel sorry that my life was not turning out the way I wanted it to.
I started feeling so sorry that I stopped going to school during my first college semester. When I didn't register for any classes the subsequent semester, I was kicked out of Nowhere State. Yes, I was kicked out of the very *** school that I was so angry and embarrassed to attend--the one that I thought I was too good for. I had always looked forward to college, because I had told myself all through high school that college was when the bullshit would stop, and I'd finally get a chance to learn the "Real Stuff." Then there I was at Nowhere State and it was still bullshit--a bunch of hoops that I was supposed to jump through, except I could jump through them backwards, on one foot, with my eyes closed, while juggling knives.
Four years ago something changed, and I'm still not sure what it was.
I spent two years out of school completely depressed. I played pool, I worked, I played more pool, and every day, I contemplated the point of existing. Life, it seemed, was just one long row of hoops to jump though. Bullshit hoops. And the worst part was, after you die, it doesn't even matter how many hoops you jump through or how high they were. None of it even matters. You're just dead and that's it. All we get is this one blink of an eye to exist, to love, laugh, cry, and fear and then you're done and it's not. ***. fair. So why was I going to spend my tiny amount of time jumping through bullshit hoops?
So I started thinking, if jumping though hoops wasn't the right way to live life, then what was? What if I wanted to go far away from it all, live on some mist-covered mountain, work the land and eat the food that I grew? Given that once we die it's over and done with, given that nothing matters on a large enough time scale, is that life really any better or worse than one spent jumping through bullshit hoops? I decided that the two lives were completely equivalent, and that people should do whichever made them happier.
But I still wasn't happy.
Then I talked to someone very special to me, and whose opinion I respected tremendously. Adam told me that he believed the two lives were not equivalent and that I owed it, if not to society, then to myself to do something good and productive with my abilities. I couldn't resolve this immediately with our shared atheism, but I started to think less about the point of existing, and more about why my existence was so miserable.
Several reasons. I was lonely. I was disappointed with myself. I knew my life was off-track, but *** if I couldn't figure out whether a track even existed, let alone where to start looking for it.
The next set of realizations that I had do not have a chronological place in my memory, so I'm just going to put them out there.
* I look out on the world through the isolation of my own unique consciousness and perspective, but so does everyone else. Mine is not a unique state, even if I'm one of the few who realizes how tragic it is.
* The things that were most important to me and that had truly brought me the most joy were my family, the people I have loved and who have loved me, and the people who have touched my life along the way.
* I cannot accept the idea that, if I say the right words, my soul will float up to happy-land and live forever. Consequently, all I have is this one, short lifetime. If none of it matters on a long enough time scale, then there can be no measure of how well or poorly a life is lived except the amount of goodness experienced and contributed in that life.
* As my state is fundamentally no different from anyone else's, then as a human being with empathy, I want to also make the positive difference in other people's lives that some have made in mine.
Finally, I decided that I must do two things in order to be happy:
1) I must realize my full potential as a human being, both personally and intellectually.
2) I must make a positive difference in the lives of the people close to me.
It was time to go back to school. I knew I had one last chance to get my education back on track. If I could get into a good graduate program, I knew I could be pushed to my limit intellectually, while simultaneously preparing for a career that could really make a difference in the world.
I went back to school. This time, I knew what I wanted and I thought about it every day. When I reminded myself constantly of why I was jumping through the hoops, I could get through it. And I did get through it. In fact, I tore it up. I've been working my ass off and now, it is starting to pay off.
I've been accepted to the physics PhD programs at Cornell, UC Berkeley, Stanford, UC Santa Barbara, Yale, UCLA, U Washington, and UC Santa Cruz. I could not be happier. Looking back on my experiences, I know it is cliche to say this, but I don't regret any of it. I actually came to truly enjoy my time at Nowhere State. I have friends here, and I learned that no matter where I end up, I can land on my feet.
I had help along the way. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me. Thank you to everyone who has loved me even when I was at my worst. Without you, I would still be lost.
To everyone who has struggled with feeling sad, with finding motivation, with wondering what the point is, and with the fear of letting yourself down:
================================================================
I'm pretty excited right now.
Winding up at Nowhere State University was, to be perfectly candid, a mistake. When I missed the application deadline to my choice college, some might have said I was unfortunate. When I missed the deadline to accept the University of Washington's offer of admission, some might have said it was a stroke of bad luck. Put into the context of my life in 2001, however, it was undeniably a result of my own immaturity, and entirely symptomatic of the person I was in high school. I would wake up, live through the day, go to sleep at night, then do it all again the next day, and then feel sorry that my life was not turning out the way I wanted it to.
I started feeling so sorry that I stopped going to school during my first college semester. When I didn't register for any classes the subsequent semester, I was kicked out of Nowhere State. Yes, I was kicked out of the very *** school that I was so angry and embarrassed to attend--the one that I thought I was too good for. I had always looked forward to college, because I had told myself all through high school that college was when the bullshit would stop, and I'd finally get a chance to learn the "Real Stuff." Then there I was at Nowhere State and it was still bullshit--a bunch of hoops that I was supposed to jump through, except I could jump through them backwards, on one foot, with my eyes closed, while juggling knives.
Four years ago something changed, and I'm still not sure what it was.
I spent two years out of school completely depressed. I played pool, I worked, I played more pool, and every day, I contemplated the point of existing. Life, it seemed, was just one long row of hoops to jump though. Bullshit hoops. And the worst part was, after you die, it doesn't even matter how many hoops you jump through or how high they were. None of it even matters. You're just dead and that's it. All we get is this one blink of an eye to exist, to love, laugh, cry, and fear and then you're done and it's not. ***. fair. So why was I going to spend my tiny amount of time jumping through bullshit hoops?
So I started thinking, if jumping though hoops wasn't the right way to live life, then what was? What if I wanted to go far away from it all, live on some mist-covered mountain, work the land and eat the food that I grew? Given that once we die it's over and done with, given that nothing matters on a large enough time scale, is that life really any better or worse than one spent jumping through bullshit hoops? I decided that the two lives were completely equivalent, and that people should do whichever made them happier.
But I still wasn't happy.
Then I talked to someone very special to me, and whose opinion I respected tremendously. Adam told me that he believed the two lives were not equivalent and that I owed it, if not to society, then to myself to do something good and productive with my abilities. I couldn't resolve this immediately with our shared atheism, but I started to think less about the point of existing, and more about why my existence was so miserable.
Several reasons. I was lonely. I was disappointed with myself. I knew my life was off-track, but *** if I couldn't figure out whether a track even existed, let alone where to start looking for it.
The next set of realizations that I had do not have a chronological place in my memory, so I'm just going to put them out there.
* I look out on the world through the isolation of my own unique consciousness and perspective, but so does everyone else. Mine is not a unique state, even if I'm one of the few who realizes how tragic it is.
* The things that were most important to me and that had truly brought me the most joy were my family, the people I have loved and who have loved me, and the people who have touched my life along the way.
* I cannot accept the idea that, if I say the right words, my soul will float up to happy-land and live forever. Consequently, all I have is this one, short lifetime. If none of it matters on a long enough time scale, then there can be no measure of how well or poorly a life is lived except the amount of goodness experienced and contributed in that life.
* As my state is fundamentally no different from anyone else's, then as a human being with empathy, I want to also make the positive difference in other people's lives that some have made in mine.
Finally, I decided that I must do two things in order to be happy:
1) I must realize my full potential as a human being, both personally and intellectually.
2) I must make a positive difference in the lives of the people close to me.
It was time to go back to school. I knew I had one last chance to get my education back on track. If I could get into a good graduate program, I knew I could be pushed to my limit intellectually, while simultaneously preparing for a career that could really make a difference in the world.
I went back to school. This time, I knew what I wanted and I thought about it every day. When I reminded myself constantly of why I was jumping through the hoops, I could get through it. And I did get through it. In fact, I tore it up. I've been working my ass off and now, it is starting to pay off.
I've been accepted to the physics PhD programs at Cornell, UC Berkeley, Stanford, UC Santa Barbara, Yale, UCLA, U Washington, and UC Santa Cruz. I could not be happier. Looking back on my experiences, I know it is cliche to say this, but I don't regret any of it. I actually came to truly enjoy my time at Nowhere State. I have friends here, and I learned that no matter where I end up, I can land on my feet.
I had help along the way. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me. Thank you to everyone who has loved me even when I was at my worst. Without you, I would still be lost.